me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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Money is the root of all wealth
me adding lol on a serious message
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.