STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*