no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
CUTE CAT‼︎
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
don’t we all
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf