I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
5 ways to appear taller
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.