a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
You Might Also Like
I never needed anything more in my life
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Does it…does it take 3 days
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.