I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
You Might Also Like
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Bring back the McRib
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO