Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
same vibe as tangled headphones
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Batman v Dracula
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.