A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*