idk what he going thru but i feel him
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
the #horror is real!
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.