When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.