Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??