Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
They did not think through this water fountain
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho