Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Cannot stop laughing at this
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich