Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Become ungovernable.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies