If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.