friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.