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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
i think we should see other cousins
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
me opening up to someone
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Natural selection at its finest
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.