What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore