vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba