I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My neck, my back, my…
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES