just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
You Might Also Like
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Not today, today.
Not today.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches