Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell