yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.