If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Banking tips
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people