My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.