Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Awwwww shit.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.