My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.