“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.