Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
That 👊
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Going into Monday like
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
😂😂
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty