No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target