Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My neck, my back, my…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Girl, same.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you