I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
You Might Also Like
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.