The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!