[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
You Might Also Like
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Respect
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.