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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!