My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
he chose this
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
thinking about a very short hotdog
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.