A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean