AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
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Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon