genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job