[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
hmmm
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
@ candidates for local office
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??