I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.