I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.