“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
That’s easy for you to say
Every work meeting this week
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”