“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Incredible customer service.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.