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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Not today. 😅
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.