Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.