“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*