Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them