Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
You Might Also Like
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.