You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*